A Nobody

The remnants of my past mistakes lie about the floor like shattered glass, 
Glittering in the afternoon sun — mild yet its kaleidoscopic aura 
Reminds me of who I am, who I once was. 

You can’t see it, hence, you come to the conclusion that 
I am, in fact, a perfect being. 
I am not, I never was. 

And even when January halts to a place
Like it isn’t ready for me to embrace change, 
The void still remains like a scribbled image I sketched 
When I was bored in hour-long classes. 

My realizations about the mistakes I’ve once made is like 
An unscripted play — it runs wild in my head yet the curtains never fall, 
And the hands don’t clap for such bitter endings I come up with. 

My acceptance of myself is like an unwritten idea, 
I promise to sit with myself 
To finally offer peace to myself — but I never find the time to. 

My mistakes are repetitive 
Yet I don’t learn — I walk about the shattered glasses scattered on the floor
And splinter myself over and over again. 
You don’t learn
Even when it bleeds — you don’t build a better image of you. 

Today, my reflection stood in front of me
Six months from now — a version of me wounded somewhere in June
She stood there in silence as we both shared a glance — you don’t learn. 

I don’t see how the patterns twist and churn
And shape itself into a mistake, into me. 
I am not perfect, I never was. 
All I wait for now — is to learn once and for all
And see myself as whole in the mirror
Before it, too, falls apart, seizing the life out of me. 

I have sold too many versions of myself to the world, 
To people I wanted to mean something to
To belong somewhere wholeheartedly
And now I strike bargains to buy myself back; 
The versions that I sacrificed 
The pieces of the puzzles that made me into who I am — who I once was. 

But I lost the bids, 
Losing parts of me I thought would never lose
I, now buy new shells embellished in fancy feathers, 
They appear strange to me — yet I name them upon myself. 

From now on, you are me
Sit straight. Smile. Nod. and Exist
You are about to start out on a journey of being 
A nobody to the world.