Dear Friend #6

Dear Friend,

I’m not sure the best way to start this but here goes. I miss you, like a freaking lot and I’ve tried my best to shake the ache I have when something happens, and I want to tell you about it and then realize I can’t but it won’t go away. There’s a myth in Chinese culture about the red thread of fate its used in the context of marriage but is their version of soulmates. Anyway the myth says that there is an invisible red cord around the finger of those destined to meet and I think we had those. They say the cord can tangle or stretch but never break. And I think that’s why I’ve still got an empty spot somewhere in me, a spot you filled once. I know it’s stupid and I know there’s probably a lot more reasons why you decided that our friendship wasn’t working but the things that happened that day, I’m sorry they happened. I’m sorry that I put you in that position. At the time I blamed my depression when in reality I was afraid to admit that since I’m in control of body it was me who did it all. I was the one who took myself to your apartment and I’m sorry. I was the one who attempted after two weeks saying I was better and I’m sorry. I hold myself accountable for every time I treated you anything besides my friend. I shouldn’t have burdened you with all my issues, while I do know that friends help friends you helped me in ways that went beyond the boundaries of friendship and I’m sorry to have to put in position of therapist and anything else I needed. It’s been two years and I can’t shake you. I miss you a lot and I’m not sure how not to. I know that time can’t erase what happened and what I did but I wonder if enough time has passed to try the friendship thing again. I’m sure you’ve changed since then and I know I have. There’s so much I want to talk to you about but can’t. I also can’t open the door to this friendship as you were the one to close it, and if you intend to keep it closed I will respect that. I just thought I’d give it a shot.