drowning in my whirlpool of thoughts

i can’t think of any way to make you understand the thoughts that come up on my mind. you ask me “what’s wrong” when i tell you i can’t breathe. and i’m at a loss of words than i ever was. i keep staring at you; i keep searching my brain for letters to form words which would make sense of all these. of why i was crying at 4 pm on a saturday when i am supposed to be out with friends embracing life!

i want to explain to you why there’s a wrenching pain in my gut, sucking out all my energy. i want to tell you how the voice in my head keeps on telling me to push everyone in life and lock myself in a room because i am unworthy of the love they give me. i take too much space on this earth. but i can’t find the words to form those sentences.  so i let you be! i tell you i had my window closed, so i couldn’t breathe. and you laugh at how cutely dumb i can be sometimes. i can’t be a part of this cuteness, cause i am still not able to breathe.

you ask me how my week was. how did my presentation go, and when i say good, you tell me how you knew i was gonna ace, and that i was stressing out too much for no reason. i smile a bit to please you. you think i am being humble and i undermine myself. but you don’t know how much i wanted to rather die than stand and face all those people.

i want to tell you no matter how much research i’ve done, and practice i did, i was still so sure that it’s not enough. and the only reason they saw me calmly speaking out loud was that i have gone through all the possible scenarios that could go wrong in my head already.

i don’t tell you any of that though. because you will tell me i think too much, and i worry too much. and i will feel like a burden. to you, to my other friends, to the world. and i will blame myself for spreading too much negativity, too many sorrows. so i let it be! and i tell you “you were right.” cause that’s what you truly wanted to hear. again, i smile a little.

you see my smile and tell me i look beautiful. i look at you. i really look at you and try to read your face. because i swear on everything good that i want to believe what you just said. my mind doesn’t let me! it reminds me of all the time people said it without meaning it. i am reminded of the time i was shown pointing out exactly what i lack! 

i feel ugly! i want to dig a hole and hide in it. the light seems too much for me. you seem too much for me. i want to pull myself out of here and throw away my being. i want to erase my existence from your mind, from their mind. i want everyone to unsee me, unhear me, forget i even walked on this earth.

can you not look at me anymore? can you misremember me? please, misremember me! 

drowning in my whirlpool of thoughts
Illustrated by Maleeha Munawara Mahee.

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Contributors

  • WhatsApp-Image-2022-01-13-at-6.52.01-PM.jpeg

    Odri, aka Audrey, Managing Editor at The Interlude, is a full-time marketing specialist who is now pursuing her masters in her dream country. Unlike many, she openly announces her love for studying and being an emotional mess. She is an ambivert who has a diverse taste in books, movies and music. She takes no sugar on her tea or coffee, and she is forever team Kaz.

  • Maleeha Munawara Mahee somehow finishes an illustration, but not without a three-month break and has over a hundred comics to catch up to. She believes she is a side character in everyone's stories, including her own. She wishes to find a forest to wander through and do as she pleases someday.

WhatsApp-Image-2022-01-13-at-6.52.01-PM.jpeg

Odri

Odri, aka Audrey, Managing Editor at The Interlude, is a full-time marketing specialist who is now pursuing her masters in her dream country. Unlike many, she openly announces her love for studying and being an emotional mess. She is an ambivert who has a diverse taste in books, movies and music. She takes no sugar on her tea or coffee, and she is forever team Kaz.

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