drowning in my whirlpool of thoughts

i can’t think of any way to make you understand the thoughts that come up on my mind. you ask me “what’s wrong” when i tell you i can’t breathe. and i’m at a loss of words than i ever was. i keep staring at you; i keep searching my brain for letters to form words which would make sense of all these. of why i was crying at 4 pm on a saturday when i am supposed to be out with friends embracing life!

i want to explain to you why there’s a wrenching pain in my gut, sucking out all my energy. i want to tell you how the voice in my head keeps on telling me to push everyone in life and lock myself in a room because i am unworthy of the love they give me. i take too much space on this earth. but i can’t find the words to form those sentences.  so i let you be! i tell you i had my window closed, so i couldn’t breathe. and you laugh at how cutely dumb i can be sometimes. i can’t be a part of this cuteness, cause i am still not able to breathe.

you ask me how my week was. how did my presentation go, and when i say good, you tell me how you knew i was gonna ace, and that i was stressing out too much for no reason. i smile a bit to please you. you think i am being humble and i undermine myself. but you don’t know how much i wanted to rather die than stand and face all those people.

i want to tell you no matter how much research i’ve done, and practice i did, i was still so sure that it’s not enough. and the only reason they saw me calmly speaking out loud was that i have gone through all the possible scenarios that could go wrong in my head already.

i don’t tell you any of that though. because you will tell me i think too much, and i worry too much. and i will feel like a burden. to you, to my other friends, to the world. and i will blame myself for spreading too much negativity, too many sorrows. so i let it be! and i tell you “you were right.” cause that’s what you truly wanted to hear. again, i smile a little.

you see my smile and tell me i look beautiful. i look at you. i really look at you and try to read your face. because i swear on everything good that i want to believe what you just said. my mind doesn’t let me! it reminds me of all the time people said it without meaning it. i am reminded of the time i was shown pointing out exactly what i lack! 

i feel ugly! i want to dig a hole and hide in it. the light seems too much for me. you seem too much for me. i want to pull myself out of here and throw away my being. i want to erase my existence from your mind, from their mind. i want everyone to unsee me, unhear me, forget i even walked on this earth.

can you not look at me anymore? can you misremember me? please, misremember me! 

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