If you clicked this article in the hope of reading something positive glorifying the situation, or a list of the success BTS has brought, I am sorry to disappoint you. I can’t write any of that today.
Instead, I am going to tell you how I woke up with a gut-sinking feeling, not wanting to show up for class. It felt like “one of those days.” I forced myself to get out of bed, brushed my teeth, and had my breakfast; when I picked up my phone to check the time, the notification from weverse popped up, and my heart dropped. I couldn’t breathe anymore. I went out to catch the bus for my class, but my feet wouldn’t move. It felt too heavy. It was drizzling here in London this morning, so no one could tell it was the tears rolling down my face. The raindrops gave me a good disguise to hide in plain sight.
The whole way on the bus, I kept listening to these songs on a loop – Save me > Spring day > Butterfly > We are bulletproof: the eternal > Blue & Grey > For Youth > Yet to Come. I went to class and had to act normal, interacting and chatting with everyone. Sat there during the lecture having a silent anxiety attack, and finally, when the class ended, I ran back home, unlike always when I spent the rest of the day with my friends. The whole world seemed irrelevant and unnecessary to me. Living seemed burdensome. I just wanted to be home, inside my room, where my wall is filled with their smiling faces and track lists, seven of them together in a frame. I wanted to cry under my blanket.
These seven men have always made every one of us in the fandom immensely proud with all their projects. And their decision to not receive any special treatment from the government and to put their homeland first, following the law like every commoner, made us proud too.
But I can’t feel this pride today. I don’t see any silver lining in it. They will be gone from our sight for the next three years, and I can’t seem to digest it in any way. Knowing this would happen before didn’t make it any easier to accept this. I am still shattered, in pieces, devastated. This leave is causing a big hole inside of me, and nothing can fix it right now.
I’ll be honest: I got tremendously busy with life after switching countries. And to fit everything into my schedule, I got distanced from BTS. I haven’t caught up with much of their content, didn’t get time to properly listen to Hobi’s new album, and haven’t seen their photo folio yet. But Busan’s Yet To Come concert dragged me toward them in a microsecond. As soon as they opened with Mic Drop, I felt my life falling into pieces again. The emptiness I had been feeling inside me for months had just been filled. And only bangtan boys had the power to do it. To simultaneously spark a fire in your heart and soothe your soul with calm and peace.
I don’t know how I will pass these 1,095 days without them. I will be lost, I will be broken, and I will feel empty all the time. But I do know I will pass these 1,095 days and be here when they return. I will wait for them to return one by one and be together again. I will wait to see Joon breaking something, Jin screaming at everyone, Yoongi sitting with a straight face, Hobi dying laughing, Jimin falling off the chair, Tae making a baby face to get what he wants, and JK dozing off – in one of their gatherings. All seven in one place. Being dorks, and cracking jokes. Together.
They are my home I run to take shelter every day. They are the support helping me to stand on my feet after every storm. I never feel lonely, unloved, or uncared for when I see them. I know I can always count on them. To be here for me, even after not knowing who I am. I know I can find them anywhere in this world, on cold nights or dark days, anytime I need. And that’s why I will wait for them. For the next three years, for the rest of my life. And I will keep counting on them to come back to me again. Because it’s them. And there’s no one else who I love or can love like this. Only they are worthy. Only they are deserving.
My beloved Bangtan Boys, ever since I met you, I have been living for you. Now, until 2025, I will live in the hope of you. Our best moment is yet to come.