Dear Friend #27
Is it selfish of me to want to die? I have a loving partner and would want nothing more than to be with them and make them happy. But you see, I suffer from depression even though there’s no reason for me to be.
Is it wrong of me to feel upset at the littlest things? I’m not sure why I get so upset so fast. I’ve ruined many relationships this way. Stupid emotions of mine, I don’t know how to control.
Is it wrong of me to be afraid of men? Especially, male family members? You know, I always have nightmares about my dad r**ing me. I have other nightmares of men sexually abusing me, or screaming at me. These things have happened in real life before, and they wont stop bothering me in my dreams too. Is it okay to want men to die, because of this? Is my resentment and hatred valid? Is it okay to be cruel to men just because of my personal…trauma?
Ofcourse not. I know that. But I’m so helpless. But my view of the world is so messed up now. Men aside, I do hate women too. But just because I said that – wouldn’t people label me a misogynist without hearing why I feel that way? Do you see why I’m afraid to speak up about how I feel?
Do you see how trapped I feel, though there is the “freedom” to speak?
I care about what people say, and I know no one has anything nice to tell me. I mean, In this day and age, I’m sure everyone’s going to bash me for being overly possessive over my bf. Not wanting him to talk to certain girls because I know how sly they are. Not wanting him to follow girl groups because I don’t want him drooling over them behind my back. Not wanting him to watch porn because I feel betrayed and hurt by it. Not wanting him to look at any other woman other than me. Not wanting him to talk to his “gross” typical male friends too much because they’d talk about women inappropriately in their conversations or talk about how hot so and so is…I know im just insecure.
I know all of this is wrong of me too. But why do you always have to be logical, and not let me feel? Why can there be no understanding of these feelings? Why…am I not allowed to be me? I was born as a human, then why can’t I feel like one?
The way people will rush to say how stupid I’m being, the way everyone will instantly make me feel shit for how I’m being, I feel like I have no place to go to.
Friend, I know I ranted to you in the most incoherent manner. But I want to thank you for listening to me atleast. I wish people were kinder, and more understanding. I wish I could be me.